I was heavily triggered this Monday, and the trigger perpetuated feels that petered out throughout the next few days. Details aside, Monday was definitely the most intense day culminating around 4-5AM. There was tears, there was horrible discomfort at being alive, existing, having a body, body touching things, itself, being touched, etc. I had a particularly bad wave of self-annihilation impulse late that night/early that morning.
Luckily, I was not alone and my partner Isaac was there and surprisingly stable and largely able to calm me and prevent me from smashing into walls like a frenzied little animal, or trying to chug the bleach.
In an attempt to help with my overwhelming feels, once I had gotten past the point of not being able to handle touch, he said “Let me try something, because it has worked from previous experience with people who exhibited similar symptoms.” And he lay on top of me and compressed me slightly.
It did somewhat help, but it also in a cathartic way released a lot of tears and screams and feels. And when I had calmed down enough to speak, I said:
“I think I read about this somewhere, that small animals compress themselves in times of great duress. Like, mice or something.”
And he says “Yup sure.”
And then after some more compression I realize, I was not thinking of mice at all, but autistic people. Where in fact, I had read about an amazing woman with autism who invented a device that was more or less two mattress like objects into which people with autism can get into when they feel overwhelmed, and be compressed, to calm themselves down. And I feel like a horrible person because when I made this realization, I stated it, and then just started laughing/got into hysterics. Because I could not believe that I mistook autism for mice.
And for the last few days when I’ve been feeling particularly down, I would think of this mistake, and autistic mice, and it made me grin like an idiot, and I feel like a terrible person for being so amused. I told Phil about this and he started plaguing me with mental imagery of autistic mice.
ana and i were talking about going to the gym today
and i kept having the idea of pooping on one of the treadmills while it’s still running
i cant get the picture out of my head
and i just know i’ll think about it when i’m at the gym and i’ll start laughing and not be able to stop
and people will just stare at me as i cackle to my self and fall off the equipment
I’m also the best conversational partner. There is nothing I love more than the idea of taking poops (out of frustration or whatnot), putting them in public places, etc.
poinko replied to your post: Finally getting a chance to work on some non-sekret art!
dating blog? tell me more! I would love to know about fossils and sedimentary layers please!
|akstatic:||I need to get to work on this painting of Umbreon; I feel like what I have in mind would benefit from some guache|
|akstatic:||Whatever, a paint I do not have.|
|Poinko:||I think you mean gosh.|
|akstatic:||I think I mean goth. Because Umbreon is the gothiest of all Pokemon.|
|Poinko:||Even more than gothorita?|
|akstatic:||Gothorita is like, neogoth. When all the babez wanna look like egl cos it sprung up in Japan.|
|akstatic:||Umbreon is OG.|
As some of you may know over the last year I’ve gotten to be quite close with the wonderful and talented gentleman that goes by Poinko here on Tumblr. He’s been a great friend, a huge inspiration, and has helped me in more ways than I can even begin to put to words.
Last night he was in a car accident - and thank heavens that no one was seriously injured, but car accidents are tough and so is everything that goes along with them! (I would know, I spent roughly a grand on a car accident where the only person involved was me.)
So if you could please, read this over and check out his Etsy and if you cannot help him out by buying one of his amazing comics or mats, send him some warmth and good wishes.
I probably wont be posting much over the next week or so. I was in a car accident last night that beat me up pretty badly. I’m not seriously hurt (bump to the head, scraped arm and a really bruised knee), but I’m probably going to be dealing with paperwork and other BS relating to it for a while. The wreck was pretty much my fault, but nobody else was hurt, which is a good thing.
I’m not sure how bad the car I was in was wrecked or how much the other car was hurt or how much it will take to fix both / cover my hospital bills. Luckily I have both health and auto insurance, but my payments might go up after this episode. (gee you think?)
If that ends up being the case, I’m going to be selling off a lot more stuff / finishing up all my outstanding commissions so that I can take some more to help it along. If you have an outstanding commission with me, expect to receive it soon. In the meantime if you want to pass around my Etsy shop link, I’d appreciate it! Especially since I will be adding more art to it soon.
Thanks for your support and wishes, everyone!
poinko replied to your video: theglamorousfaceofevil made me do this, so I hope…
haha you said ‘doo-doo’
Yeah like a hundred times. Omg I’m so naughty!
Hey, I didn’t know you were acquainted with Poinko! You guys are like… Two of my biggest inspirations right now. Excuse me while I wave my arms excitedly in the corner and hyperventilate over this new discovery. :D
Omg u! That’s pretty cool/funny how that works out. Small world? :P I guess greatness like ours just gravitates towards each others’!